There are currently 300 things I could, and probably should, be committing to: true and proper recovery, quitting smoking, saving money, getting a life (according to my mom), the list goes on and on. I have vague goals for my future and to achieve any of those I’m going to have to commit to working on my shit.
In theory this is great. In theory I want to work on all these things and overcome them because I know the end result will probably be better than my current reality. I know I don’t want to live this way forever. And at the very least, I have absolutely nothing to lose in trying. In theory.
In reality I suck at committing. I can’t get myself to do it, at least currently. Deep in my soul I am an emotionally avoidant person. Anything above the bare minimum level of emotions is too much for me. Committing involves diving headfirst into that and changing it. It means addressing my feelings, dealing with them, and then dealing with all the emotions that come with changing my behavior. Committing entails a lot of work, hard work. Work you can’t just quit when you start to feel too much.
Frankly, more often than not I just don’t want to do it. Those things seem like future Olivia problems.
Unfortunately, I’m fairly sure future Olivia will hate me for not working on it now because I’ll just have to work on it then. If my goals are truly to change then the work has to be done sometime. It might as well be now.
So with all of that in mind, I’m going to try committing this week.
I have a mental health journal I’ve been working on. Currently it’s sort of functioning like a diary card, motivational, mosh posh thing. Last week I made some charts so I can document my emotions, and track how I’m using coping skills. It took me a while, but i finally decided to work on opposite action this week.
Opposite action isn’t the easiest skill for me; I tend to lean towards distraction skills (hello avoidance). I am choosing to work on it because I know it will help with the depression I’ve been feeling. I know it will help cultivate a sense of productivity for me each day. I know that it is better for me than just staying in bed.
So I’m going to try. For the next week I will commit to this. I have nothing to lose, everything to gain, and who knows maybe it’ll even serve as a reminder that committing (and working on things) won’t actually kill me.
*insert an endless groan to convey how sad/scared/stressed I am about this*
It’ll be good for me.