Summer 2017

I make goals quite often and i almost never follow through with them. I forget they exist or, on the off chance i do remember, i make up excuses as to why i can’t do them. Still, i like making (easy) goals. It gives me something to do. So here are some summer 2017 goals.

  • Collage more and finish going through my magazines.
  • Paint at least two things.
  • Save my money and buy a new laptop; consider a timeline for moving out.
  • Wear short sleeves and shorts more.
  • Wear my hair natural and work on liking it.
  • Don’t pass out in the summer heat.
  • Meet Emily.
  • Clean my room.
  • Enjoy my families company a little.
  •  Spend as much time as possible with my girls.

Who knows which of these, if any, will get done. I avoided all the mental health and work related ones, so while these are easy goals there is still plenty for me to be doing. I’m excited though! I want this to be a more fun summer compared to previous years.


I don’t have any concrete, well thought out post ideas at the moment. So instead lets go through a random list of things.

  1. I was reading an article about the removal of two kids from their family (youtubers who abused their kids). One of the comments i read was from a man who said “I was treated worse when i was a kid and dont consider it abuse.” It has bugged me since then and all i have to say is this: Just because you don’t label your experience as abuse doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse. Just because you were treated worse than these kids doesn’t mean they weren’t being abused. Your experiences and how you choose to label them does not negate the validity of others experiences.
  2. Toddlers are exhausting. I love the kids i work with so much. They’re sweet, they’re funny, the give me a purpose. And holy crap they wear me down on a daily basis. I don’t blame them too much; they have a lot of unfiltered energy and emotions running through tiny bodies. They can’t help that. But listening to so many kids cry at once, or yell, or refuse to share, or hit, etc. is completely overwhelming and tiring. Balancing all those needs with the rest of their needs (getting diapers changed, feeding them, teaching them to be decent kids) is just so dang hard.
  3. I have some intrusive OCD thoughts that are pretty intense. I have only vaguely told four people about them in my life, and i have never once discussed them at length. That thought alone terrifies me. However it came up in therapy last week and i’m so confused about how to proceed. I want to move beyond the thoughts. I also never want to say the actual words out loud.
  4. I am also trying to map out my OCD behaviors more clearly for my therapist. It’s hard when i’ve always done them and don’t recognize a lot of them as behaviors.
  5. I haven’t binged in quite a while!!! Like weeks!!! That’s the longest i’ve gone in years and i’m excited about it. It’s not exactly the best news because other behaviors have popped up and my desire to suppress things is in full force, but for right now i’m just going to focus on the weeks i have clean.

And for now that’s it. I have pretty much just been working and sleeping for months on end. That’s life right though?

I hate having an eating disorder.

Here are some things i hate about it (trigger warning):

  • First and foremost i struggle with accepting that i have an eating disorder. This is one of the things i hate most about it. Aside from society generally ignoring Binge Eating Disorder (BED), my brain spends so much time trying to convince me my struggles aren’t real. Arguing that since my issues aren’t as severe as other disorders, or even as severe as others who struggle with BED, it isn’t real. And it’s exhausting.
  • I hate wanting and needing to lose weight, but i can’t. At least, not easily and i haven’t done so successfully. My brain is very black and white, so there’s an “obvious” choice to my weightloss, but that’s unhealthy and triggering. If i go that route it worsens my ED. Other routes wind up being as triggering and difficult to stick with. There’s no easy way to handle it, and for me i don’t believe i can work on losing weight until i’m further in recovery. Which brings me to the next point:
  • Realistically i know being fat is not the worst thing you can be (or even a bad thing), but it is something i hate. It is something that i struggle with constantly. I can’t change it just yet, and it eats me alive. Living with this reality is tough. I’d give anything to change it, and i feel horrible about that. I want to be confident.
  • I have yet to find the balance between a healthy relationship with food and avoiding triggering goods.
  • Overall its really difficult for me to figure out recovery. I haven’t ever had formal treatment and i don’t have support for recovery. I have no clue where to start or what to expect. I don’t know what’s realistic in terms of full recovery. I’m just very lost and confused.

I know this is a very whiny post. But i’m in a very whiny spot. Having an eating disorder is never easy, and i’m really feeling that right now (on an introspective level, let alone with the actual symptoms/issues). I want to be clear that this post is riddled with cognitive distortions and is essentially my emotion mind rambling away. There is a lot more that could be said that would balance things out and bring a healthy reality to this post. I’ll save that for  another time though.

The end of NEDA week

NEDA week is over now but I ran out of time to write yesterday so today will do. 
I didn’t quite do this week, or myself, justice, as I have so much I wanted to say that I just didn’t. I truly believe binge eating disorder needs more awareness. As I mentioned previously, though, it’s hard to get that out. I’m not as in tune with my eating disorder as I am with my other mental illnesses. 

All of that aside, I want to make this clear: Bing Eating Disorder is serious. It is hard. It is messy and complicated and all consuming. It is a different extreme from other eating disorders, and it is still incredibly hard in its own right. I don’t think enough people acknowledge that. 

I have spent the majority of my life dealing with binge eating disorder and disordered eating. I have used it as a coping skill for so long that it is hard to imagine life without it. I’m not sure what life is without an eating disorder in it. It is messy. It is intense. And, for me, it can be subtle. It will be gripping me tightly while also causally convincing me to use behaviors. It doesn’t always yell, sometimes it just whispers. And those whispers can be harder to ignore than the yelling. Before I know it it has taken control of every aspect of my life and affects everything I do, even things completely unrelated to food. It consumes my thoughts and energy. It makes me tired. It is a bitch of an eating disorder (as they all are).

I hope that after this week I’m able to keep talking about my eating disorder and sharing my experiences. I think that’s important. 

Anyway, that’s all. 

Recovery Goals

Once when i was babysitting i noticed how much Q was snacking that day. She had a big breakfast, and about three snacks before lunch, with many more after that. I try not to police when the kids can or can’t eat, so if they’re hungry i’ll honor that and let them have a snack. That’s the life i want to lead for myself.

I remember thinking that day that she was having more snacks than i’d ever let myself have (at the time). She’d eaten more calories that morning than i was planning to have that day. She was snacking, listening to her body, and feeding it accordingly. She was doing things that scared the living crap out of me. Things that left me in awe because they came naturally to her; without any mental conflict, intense thoughts, emotional pain, etc. And you know what? She was fine. She was able to live her wild little life, she had energy for the day, she didn’t spend a single moment worrying about food in any capacity, and she was just fine.

It just serves to remind me that i’ll be fine once i learn to have a healthy relationship with food. I’ll even be fine during the rocky process getting to that point. I’ll be fine despite how hard and daunting it all may be. All the thoughts that control my decisions and fuel my fears won’t kill me. I will be fine.

I can achieve that level of normalcy. Not easily, but i can do it. I am grateful that Q (unknowingly) showed me what a normal relationship with food can be. I’m grateful i was able to see first hand that the food itself won’t kill me. Sometimes it’s scary, some foods trigger me, etc., but none of it will kill me.

My sweet Q could handle it and so can i.

For the record, i left out some detail (i’m tired y’all) and i don’t mean to make anything sound easy or downplay the reality of EDs. They’re so fucking tricky and look different for everyone, and recovery can be a lifelong process (and that’s okay!!). This definitely isn’t everyones goal and won’t be everyones reality. This is just something i hope to achieve one day.

My original goal for NEDA week, at least the goal i set in my head, was to write each day about my experience with binge eating disorder. This hasn’t happened yet, mainly because i’ve struggled with what to say. I feel the need to say something profound, something that will really influence or relate to others. In reality i can’t do that. If i spend my life trying to say profound, influential things i will never say anything.

Since lent started today i decided on a new goal: I will write every day for the next 40 days.

I know traditionally lent is about giving something up, but i was taught growing up that you can also use lent to add behaviors to your life. One year i read the bible each night of lent, etc. So i will be using this time to write. Luckily that coordinates with the rest of NEDA week.

On to the real post:

It’s hard for me to decide where i stand on recovery. When i compare being in recovery between the different eating disorders, binge eating disorder (at least for me) seems to be the least important. Not being in recovery doesn’t cause an immediate threat to my health. The suffering isn’t outwardly visible to the people around me. It is seemingly easier to stay stuck; to just go downhill.

I want to be in recovery but i have no clue what that means for me. I don’t know what the treatment is like. Heck, i don’t even know what is at the center of my eating disorder. It’s all very confusing.

I want to get better. I do. I want a life free from my eating disorder. I’m just not sure how to get there. I’m not sure if i’m ready. I hope someday i am.

NEDA Week 2017

This is my first NEDA (National Eating Disorder Awareness) Week since i’ve been diagnosed with an eating disorder. I’ve struggled for much longer than a year, but i never felt it was my place to say anything without an official diagnosis. I needed the validation before i could allow myself to speak.

I still seek a similar validation because of my diagnosis (Binge Eating Disorder). While i recognize it is a real, serious, and valid eating disorder, it often doesn’t feel that way when compared to Anorexia, Bulimia, or other eating disorders. It doesn’t receive the same amount of attention or awareness as the other EDs do, and often a lot of medical/mental health professionals aren’t trained or educated on B.E.D. Proper help is few and far between.

With all of that said, i hope to raise a little more awareness for B.E.D. this week. I want to speak about my experience and hopefully validate myself while doing so. It’d be cool if others can relate to what i have to say, but i want to focus around sharing my story and finding healing in that.


January 26, 2017

Earlier in the month i set a goal to have written 3 legitimate blog posts by the end of the month. That has not happened yet and undoubtedly won’t because i can’t seem to convey my point properly. So here’s the next best thing, a nice conglomeration of the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head.

  • I am very stressed about living in Trumps America, and everything that is going to come with it. I wish i could be young and avoid these things, but i opened my eyes one too many times and i can’t. I can’t avoid it anymore, i find it hard to even hope for the best. I am stressed. I am scared in ways i cannot explain.
  • I was raised in a white persons world. In a nice little bubble where you’re taught racism is long over, everyone is equal, the whole shabang. And while i know those things aren’t true, i guess part of those beliefs have stuck with me. I constantly find myself baffled that people aren’t willing to fight for others. I suppose deep down i’ve held the belief that everyone would care for others; they would help; they would see people being denied fundamental rights and fight for them. It’s hard knowing that’s not the case.
  • I am incredibly scared for therapy. I am entirely alone and that is eating away at me rapidly. I do not know what i’m doing anymore or why. I am disconnected from my head/thoughts/emotions/etc. I’m slowly losing myself more as the days go on, but my brain is also working so hard to convince me i’m fine. I’m so deep in my own lie. It’s a mess, but also one i’m not working to get myself out of.
  • In regards to my mental health, i feel like i’ve really fallen off the ball with relationships. I have not been 2% of the friend i want to be, and i can only blame that on myself and the fact that i’m allowing myself to be fully wrapped up in mental illness.
  • I love working with kids and i’m so thankful my weeks are constantly filled with kids. It’s exhausting and i keep getting sick, but it is so fun. I could talk about it endlessly.

Okay so this is the end of the crappiest, most mish-mashed post ever. I know it’s not cohesive, but if i write any further i will wind up editing it all and ultimately never publishing it, which isn’t my goal.

So there you go. A little politics, mental health, and kid talk because that’s literally all my life ever is anymore.

Merry Christmas?

I think a large portion of myself chooses to keep writing because i’m waiting; hoping; that someone will see it and they will save me. They will come find me sinking in the water, grab me by my hand, and help pull me to safety. I’m waiting for someone to care. For someone to listen. For someone to remind me why i’m doing any of this, and to force me to do it. I’m waiting for someone to be there, to truly be there for me, even though i know they never will be.  I’m waiting and waiting. I have been waiting for most of my life. And i suppose i’ll keep waiting because no one will ever be there to save me.

But when it comes down to it, i’d rather die than spend my life waiting.That sounds nice.

On a different, albeit still sad, note, I remembered today that at least i’m not a drug addict. I don’t think i’m entirely far off; but at the moment i don’t (and never have) regularly abused drugs. So despite the fact that i would do drugs if given the chance, I am not a drug addict and  that is good.

I also made it through Christmas 2016 without crying! It’s the 12th Christmas i’ve had without my grandmother. I wish more and more that she was still around. 12 years is more than half my life…..she has been gone more than half my life. Nonetheless, i didn’t cry.

So while my post today is rather sad and lord knows i could go on, i’ll stop for now. I might as well enjoy my peace and quiet while i have it tonight.

Merry Christmas from Scrooge (or the Grinch, or Debbie Downer).

A nice conglomeration of thoughts just for you all. My mind has been all over the place recently. A quick warning: This probably contains triggering things; i don’t have the energy to censor things correctly.

  • I hate having an eating disorder. I hate that i don’t feel valid. I hate looking at myself and feeling nothing but hate and disgust. I hate bingeing. I hate gaining weight endlessly, i am genuinely obese. I can’t stand it. I just hate having an eating disorder. It’s consuming yet normal. It brings me so much sadness/pain/hate, but i can’t seem to function without it. It’s a mess.
  • I miss my grandmother. I want her back. I want her back right now, forever. It isn’t fair.
  • I know a lot of people who are relapsing at the moment, and holy hell i want to too. I had a friend tell me she overdosed on heroin and almost died, and all i could think was “god i would love some heroin.” I wish i could get drunk like her. I wish i could get high and overdose endlessly. I wish i could lose weight how my head wants me to. I wish i could smoke forever. I wish i could cut properly again. I want to relapse so much. I want to be bad. No idea what i’m going to do on this front.
  • I need to be back in California, asap. I need to be back. I want to be with my loves again. I want to see Courtneyrose again.
  • I just wish things were better. I feel nothing all the time. Just empty. I lie to myself and say i’m content, but truly i feel nothing. I never want to do anything. I could sit and stare at the wall all day.
  • I do not know why i’m doing anything at this point; why i’m “working on things” or if i’m going to continue. I just dont know anymore. So if you do know, please tell me whats up.

Why why why why why why why.