In this massive shit pile of a post we will discuss if i’m actually okay, or if i’m entirely lying to myself. Please enjoy the ride as i’m sure i won’t. Spoiler alert: i’m totally lying to myself.
When i was 10 i really went through it. I’m not sure what it was in ten year old me, but something snapped and i shoved every negative (emotional) thing deep down in my soul to never address again. It was the first response my brain could come up with. I stuck with it like my life depended on it; at the very least my sanity did. For me, the automatic repression of sad things has blended into the automatic repression of generally emotional things. For almost 10 years now i’ve been at the point of only being able to handle baseline things. Anything too happy, sad, exciting, scary, etc. gets packed right away. Dealing with any of it feels insurmountable.
None of that is truly important outside of my therapy sessions, but it does provide context for how i am as a person and why this is such a massive thing for me to do. Plus writing that out helped me stall for 30 minutes. It’s a win win.
God help me, i don’t think i’ve truly done this on my own in years…maybe ever? I’ve always had someone to talk with in some capacity, but this time it’s just me. Seriously God, help me.
Okay moving on to the shit pile of a post:
My grandpa is sick. I’ll be honest, i won’t unpack this one too far. I know my limits. Anyway, he’s sick. We know with what, but no one really knows the details (how sick he truly is, lifespan, treatment, etc.). My grandpa is 88, his memory is going, and he is a very stubborn man. We are supposed to treat him normally, so we can’t ask him about it and hell will freeze over before he actually lets anyone go to an appointment with him. This works for me though, because pretending like nothing is happening can now be called “obeying his wishes”. I’m taking what i can get, and i deeply apologize for future me who will have to deal with this eventually.
I’ve been smoking for two years now. This doesn’t seem like a big thing but it really is for me. I started smoking in treatment. Treatment was life changing for me, but it is still a deeply emotional thing for me. When i left i had the goal of writing about it, coping, etc. but that was, and still is, too painful. While its incredibly hard for me to think about treatment, smoking helps me feel connected to it. I know smoking isn’t healthy, but i appreciate the connection.
Work is draining me. I switched to full time a month ago, and i kind of hate it. I used to work 1-6, which are what i call the glory hours. It’s the easiest time of day and what i am definitely used to. I enjoyed my kids so much more when i only saw them for five hours. Now i’m there from 8:30 on and they’re rotten. I spend all day talking sternly, telling them they can’t do this or that, putting them in time out when they’re mean, etc. It sucks. It really really sucks. But without all of that they spend all day jumping off of things, running, hitting, biting, fighting, and screaming. I feel so mean when i’m with them. I feel like i’m always yelling. I am always exasperated. Something has got to give but i have no earthly clue what that is. Im desperate for anything to make all of our days better.
I wake up very sad almost every day. I spend all day yearning to be in bed, alone, sitting in silence. I have been thinking of self harm a lot lately but i haven’t cut in six months. I used another method the other day, but i don’t really count that because it’s my most mild form of self harm. None of that sounds great, but overall it’s pretty fine. I think that’s what life is going to be and i’m used to it. I’m still getting up every day and doing what needs to be done, so none of this is major in any capacity. The rest of my mental issues are fine, mostly. I ignore them for the most part and as long as i’m not challenging them they aren’t debilitating. It isn’t much of a life, but it’s better than actively fighting them or actively giving in. 2018 is my year of just surviving until death. So far so good.
Bingeing is the only thing i haven’t been able to easily ignore. I haven’t had a proper binge in a while, but i’ve been engaging in pre-bingeing behaviors. I’m not sure if that is what it’s really called, or if they’re behaviors i don’t use as often, but the point is nothing major has happened. Just little things. I am responding like i did as a child when all of this started; I hoard food, constantly think of food and plan when/what i will get to eat, eat ALL the food i possibly can for fear that i won’t get it later. I’m not sure what triggered little Olivia food behaviors, but it’s exhausting. It isn’t as easy to combat as full on bingeing. There have been a few successes though so i know eventually i’ll manage it. Maybe just not right now.
And i think that’s it? Okay that’s definitely not it. I didn’t even properly dive in to things. But, i am tired. What matters is that i started, and i tried. Here’s hoping this release last me until therapy next month.
In conclusion, life is rough but i just have to keep going until i die. 60ish more years isn’t a big deal. That’s manageable. And on the brightest of notes, it’s finally warm and i’ll get to see my family next weekend. Both of those will turn horrible quickly, but initially it will be really nice. I’m taking what i can get.