Smoking

I started smoking about 3 months ago, and at the time i fully intended to stop when i left treatment. However i got home and decided to continue long enough to finish my current pack. Then, i bought two more packs and decided i didn’t need to stop just yet.

Currently i don’t consider myself addicted to cigarettes; i can easily go without smoking them for days with no side affects.More than anything i’ve been smoking as a way to kill time or calm down when i have nothing else to turn to. And while i don’t consider myself to have an addiction yet, i know the behavior is very much a problem.

Self harm is really tricky for me and it’s something i’ve fallen very deeply in to; even “seemingly harmless” things have become behaviors for me. Recently it hit me that smoking is becoming one of those behaviors. A behavior in which i insist “this isn’t a problem, it’s fine” and “at least it isn’t cutting or hitting”.

I started smoking in treatment because i was trying to not self harm and i was desperate for a “valid” form of harm. The majority of the clients in treatment smoked, so it was pretty socially acceptable. No one thought another thing of it when i started.

It did give me an opportunity to get close to other clients i wouldn’t have normally spoken to since i had to smoke around them, but more than anything it satisfied a tiny voice in the back of my mind that demanded self harm at all times.

As i was outside smoking tonight it really hit me that i’m only doing this because i know it causes me harm in the long run. I find so much comfort in knowing that, which makes me scared shitless to consider quitting. I am able to “function” when smoking; i don’t self harm, i use coping skills, i spend time with my family.

But i only do so knowing that every night when i smoke i’m damaging my lungs; i’m raising my potential to develop serious health problems; i’m cutting my life span with every breath.

And that isn’t okay. It just isn’t. I am working so hard for a future. So hard to create a life worth living. I can’t keep wrecking my future and i really can’t keep feeding these self harm urges in a “socially acceptable” manner. I just can’t.

I would be lying if i said after all that i am ready to quit; like i said the idea of quitting scares me. It’s closely tied to my issues with self harm and that scares me. So for now, i’m going to make a few commitments: I will continue to actively analyze my relationship with smoking and why i do it, as well as email my therapist about all this. Those are two steps i can actively take tonight, so i will.

Mental Health Update

So really, this post is just for me. I am aware updates on my mental health don’t really interest anyone aside from myself, and that’s okay. I’m still going to make the post and publish it anyway.

Depression- I feel like things are actually going okay in this area. I still sleep more than i probably should (10 hours a night), and i am not nearly as active in my life or interested in things as a “normal” person would be. However, i don’t feel consumed by sadness all the time, and i am slowly getting back into things i’m interested in. I do find ways to fill my time outside of staring at a wall all day, so this is definitely progress.

OCD- So, my ocd was really bad in treatment but since coming home things have definitely mellowed out a lot . I have a theory that this is because i can control my environment now and i couldn’t in treatment. Having control eliminates the “need” for a lot of behaviors. So for now things are pretty good. I’m sure i’ll have to work on OCD things eventually, seeing as i won’t always have control and life will always be changing, but for now things are fine and the treatment can wait a while longer.

Self harm- I haven’t been self harming! I came home on June 5th and since then i have only self harmed once. That’s pretty huge for me. My self harm is very tied to my ocd, so not engaging in the behaviors is really important in me being able to move past ocd and it also plays a huge factor in making OCD easier to move past. It’s complicated but the point is, not self harming is great and the fact that it eliminates some ocd behaviors is the cherry on top.

BPD- I’m never sure how to update on BPD. So much of it is tied to my personality and things i’ve always done; it’s hard to recognize what is disordered verses what’s just me. Overall though things are okay. I haven’t noticed anything bpd related that has been especially hard lately. I feel like i’ve been managing well enough.

BED- So eating disorder things have been tough lately. It’s been a rough week with several binges, but i’m still trying to move forward. I’m trying not to dwell on the comments my mom makes about my eating/body, or the thoughts that tell me i can’t have something (or whatever they are). I keep reminding myself that it’s okay things are hard; my problems are valid and it’s going to take time to reach my goals. And despite my lack of desire, i’ve been honest with my therapist and dietitian. Things are rough and i’m getting better. I’m doing the work. I’ve also covered some ground in accepting that i do have an eating disorder, which is really good. It’s not really a pleasant realization, but overall i’m just glad my brain is connecting the dots. It’s validating.

 

And i think that’s it. I’m sure there is so much more i could say if i really wanted to delve into my brain that much, but i don’t. Hopefully in a month or two’s time i’ll be able to report better things (although i think this update was pretty damn good compared to previous updates).

Friendship

I had my first blog when i was about 13, and at that point in time i rarely wrote about anything except to blab about my friends and why they were wonderful. Lucky for everyone, I am still very much that type of person and we are now back to an exciting segment of “my best friends are wonderful because…..” I know everyone is excited to read a blog post about people they don’t know. I know.

I have had a lot of best friends since i was a kid and i am incredibly grateful for those friendships. Unfortunately most of them have fallen out by now, and regardless of that a lot of them weren’t healthy. I wouldn’t say they were entirely toxic, because boy did we have a lot of love, care, compassion, and fun with each other. But they were your typical middle school friendships. Gossip, back-stabbing, a general lack of trust. Our friendships slowly fading away was the best case scenario for us all.

For me, i consider losing those friendships to be a blessing because it definitely paved way for the friendships i have now which are the best friendships i’ve ever had. I have never encountered people like Emily or Lex, and upon becoming friends with them i learned that i’ve never had healthy, genuine friendships either.

So anyway, there’s Lexa. I haven’t known Lex for a long time, but after living with her for 2 (almost 2.5) months, we’ve grown pretty close. She has been by my side through months of endless shit. She stuck around when i wouldn’t speak, couldn’t focus, or would try to push her away with all my might. Despite my best efforts, she was there. I couldn’t ask for more from a human being. However, true to Lexa’s nature, she is far more than just a loyal friend. She is considerate, loving, giving, compassionate, smart (really smart), creative, fun, hilarious, hardworking, determined, and she has a crazy talent for pushing me (and others) out of my comfort zone so that i actually live a little. Oh, and she’s an incredible aunt. That isn’t related to me or our friendship, but it’s still true. I am lucky to know Lex. She has impacted my life in so many positive ways, and i know that our friendship will continue to grow with time. It’s nice having a friend that has seen you at some of your lowest points and still sticks around.

Then, there is my sweet Emmenem. Emily is a kind, loving, hardworking, funny, smart, passionate, determined, inspiring person. She also happens to do the best sock curls, has the best taste in tv shows, and the cutest pets ever. What can i say, she’s pretty great. I honestly dont think we make it through a single conversation without her saying at least one thing that warms my heart and inspires me. Recently she wrote a blog post about what she wants to do with her life and all those aspects, and it made my heart blow up with happiness. She has come so far and seeing her achieve the things she wants to is great because she deserves it. It’s also great, because it helps remind me that i can achieve those things too; that i can actually recover from my mental illnesses. Emily constantly puts so much in to our friendship, and truly cares about me. I couldn’t doubt that for a second.

So yeah, those are two brief paragraphs on my best friends. Please know there is so much more to them and our friendships than i could sum up on this blog, let alone in a single post. Lately i’ve been very grateful for them, and wishing i could express just how wonderful they are and how much they impact my life. They really are the best, and i really am lucky.

Here ends my sappy friendship post, please proceed with your life.

A Rough Night

Sometimes self harm is hard. Actually, all the time it’s hard. Whether i’m engaging in the behaviors or trying to recover, it’s just plain hard.

Tonight i self harmed for the first time in a while. Like usual, it wasn’t some huge issue that tripped me up but instead me being too hard on myself. Fueling the fire that tiny bit only got the ball rolling again; suddenly i did it a second time tonight even though i instantly regretted it the first time.

And now, i’m frustrated. I didn’t want to do it deep down, and now i can no longer say i’ve been self harm free since leaving treatment. It’s disappointing. I was really working towards better. I was proud of myself.

But now is also the time to take what i’ve learned in treatment and use it to move forward. Now is the time to be gentle with myself because clearly being too hard on myself did nothing to my benefit.

I did the best i could tonight and i will do better next time. Recovery isn’t perfect and self harming doesn’t diminish all the progress I made. It never will. I can get through this moment just like i have all the times before, but only if i’m gentle with myself. It’s time to whip out some self care, cheerleading statements, and the reminders/support everyone gave me while i was in treatment.

It isn’t easy or pleasant to be gentle with myself; i certainly don’t want to do it. However, i will. This isn’t about what’s easy or fun or pleasant. This is about my life and my recovery, and while i’d love to punish myself for messing up, i’m going to treat myself with love and kindness. It is what i’d do with anyone else, and frankly it’s what i deserve. I deserve to be shown love even when i make mistakes.

Tonight i self harmed. I acted in emotion mind and made a decision i’m not proud of. And now i’m going to stand back up; I’m going to keep walking through the forest using my compass (metaphors from therapy), and i’m going to keep getting better. I’m going to make a decision i will be proud of one day. It is hard. Really hard. And i’m doing it.

1. Binge Eating Disorder doesn’t have enough proper representation/education. Neither does Borderline Personality Disorder, or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (when it comes to less common manifestations of the disorder). It is hard to struggle with those disorders when there are limited helpful resources available.
2. I understand that divorce isn’t for everyone, and that often marital issues can be worked through. And, i am so thankful divorce exists and that my parents chose to get one. I think there are many circumstances where divorce is warranted, and the benefits of getting one can outweigh the negatives in the long run. I’m not saying they’re all peaches and cream for everyone involved, because they aren’t. I’m just very thankful they exist.
3. I see my girls soon and i’m so excited; i’m going to take about 3 million pictures and spam everyone i know with them. I cannot wait. Eeeeek! It’s been four months without seeing my girls once and i’m totally over it.

And that’s about it for now. I realize this is a random post and none of these things are related to one another, but they have all been on my mind today and i wanted to get it out there.

Sometimes it hurts a lot. I have been home for four days and there have been numerous bouts of emotional pain, just flat out crying and heartache because i miss the people residential. It is excruciating and i often can’t see past it despite knowing it will all pass.

But other times it hurts a little bit less. I realize i’m smiling instead of crying; that i’ve gone a few hours without crying; that my heart doesn’t ache just as much; that i actually feel the smallest bit qualified in recovering; that things are okay even if only for a moment.

And those teeny tiny glimpses of okay-ness are exactly what helps me push through the pain. That’s when i remember why i’m doing all of this. And somehow, thanks to those moments, i have made it through some of the hardest times i could imagine over the past four months.

Lord almighty am i thankful for those small glimpses in time. Thank God for those.