I’ve been trying to write for what feels like forever now and, despite having 3 million things to talk about, none of it ever gets put in to words. I am never in quite the right mood to write and be happy with the result.

So for now i’m sticking to a short and sweet version.

• Life is hard and it scares the ever living shit out of me.
• I like to fool myself into thinking i’m doing okay. It’s becoming quite the issue.
• My running therapy homework is to do two fun things a month. And it is actually painful to finish.
• I genuinely struggle with addiction, though not in a traditional sense. Nonetheless it is still a mess. And i’m still trying to accept it.
• I have an incredibly dysfunctional family.
• I am working on letting myself have fun without getting caught up in the reality of everything. My friend is planning her wedding (she’s single) and her future tours when she gets famous. Will those things happen? Not anytime soon. But it’s fun to just roll with it, to pretend they will happen and enjoy the possibility of an interesting future.

That’s about all i’ve got for now. As always i have an endless amount of love and gratitude for the people i surround myself with and who support me. I don’t get support from home so it’s really comforting to know i have it elsewhere. I realize this had nothing to do with the post, but it’s always on my mind and i want to tell people whenever i can.

California

From the very beginning of treatment, like as soon as we pulled out of the airport parking lot, i insisted i hated L.A. I was sure i’d never live there. The traffic is unimaginable compared to Kentucky. No one has manners or a grasp of common courtesy. It was frustrating to see so many homeless people that simply weren’t being helped. It was too big, confusing (one second you’re in Venice the next Santa Monica), and it was nothing compared to my old Kentucky home.

My opinion on all those things still stands. However, i’ve been home for two months now and i can wholeheartedly say i miss California. I genuinely miss being there, i miss my girls, i miss the staff, i miss the city, the weather, the fun, and the fact that there is something interesting going on at all times.

And all i want is to be back. I want to be close enough to my girls that we can all visit occasionally without breaking the bank to do so. I want to be in a place where i can always explore. Where there are plenty of people my age. Where i feel fine being me because no one knows me and i give no shits what they think. I want to be where i can live without constant reminders of my past and family obligations and triggering spaces.

I want to be back in California, living my life my way. I dream about it frequently and every time i wake up it is a little sad to realize it was just a dream.

For now though I am stuck in Kentucky and i’m going to make the best of that. I doubt dreaming of California or longing for a reunion will go away any time soon, so i am just going to enjoy it while i can.

What do i want from life?

I don’t really feel a purpose for my life. I have nothing in mind that i wholeheartedly want to aspire to, and frankly very little desire to pursue my options. I figure this will change as i get better, at least that’s what i hope.

What i do know, though, is that there are plenty of things i don’t want for my life.

I flat out, 100%, do not want to be a person who is still living with their parents at 25/26. I have nothing against people who do, in fact for a lot of people that is what makes sense. I however do not have the best relationships with my parents, and the idea of living with them for longer than i have to is a struggle. I need my own space to make my own decisions.

I refuse to be a person who is still engaging in eating disorder behaviors. I don’t have an exact time limit for when i imagine it being over because frankly it’s not a choice and it’s unclear how long i’ll struggle with it. I don’t mean this to say one day i expect it to be gone completely because that’s unrealistic. I simply mean i don’t want to be engaging in the behaviors. I want to be in control enough that even when urges/thoughts pop up, i can push past them and make wise mind choices.

On that note, there is no way in hell i want to be a person engaging in self harm. Holy shit above all else i will not tolerate this. I’m on the path to recovery now and i intend to stay on it. I don’t want to spend my life overdosing, picking the shit out of my fingers, hitting, or cutting. I do not want a single one of those things in my future. I’ll be honest, it is hard to move past these things. There is a lot i miss regardless of how twisted that is. But my desire for recovery will always surpass my longing of how things used to be.

I do not want to be a person who constantly judges others, who refuses to help others because it might slightly inconvenience me, who refuses to help others when i easily can, who harbors anger over the past, who still shoves everything down instead of feeling, who hides away because that’s easier. I do not want to avoid my friends and family, or limit myself to wearing baggy clothes because i’m ashamed of my body. I do not want to be a smoker. I do not want to be a person who refuses to swim because of scars, i do not want to refuse to do the things i love.

Essentially, i do not want to be stuck. I do not want to be stuck in my mental health issues. I don’t want to live my life inside staring at the wall. I do not want to feel hopeless towards my future. I don’t want to be apathetic about how my life goes, i don’t want to be stuck in cycle after cycle falling down the same wholes. I do not want to be anyone or anything else but me, truly authentically me.

 

So what am i going to do knowing all of that? I’m going to eat something because i’m hungry. I’m going to brainstorm some short term goals for myself that help me move forward. I’m going to work on relearning my skills. I’m going to try to approach life with hope. I’m going to do what i can when i can so that i avoid being a person i don’t want to be.

 

Getting Shit Done

Today i managed to get a few things done, and i am working at being proud of myself for these successes.

• Paid attention to my hunger cues; stopped when i was full and made myself have dinner even after the “appropriate time”.
• Didn’t use typical forms of self harm despite planning to!!
• Got my dbt box set up.
• Cleaned a little, mowed the yard, showered.
• Chose to leave a negative situation and remind myself of the facts.
• Pulled out some dbt acronyms in group, which i’m pleased i remember.

I know these things aren’t conventional successes, they aren’t what my family would approve of, and they aren’t super productive. However, they’re my accomplishments and i’m proud of them. Those show change and growth for me, which is wonderful. They were things i felt i could handle. And despite knowing i could have done more, i did these things and that is good enough. I have done enough, and i am enough.